Divorce and Women


I recently filed for divorce.  My husband was verbally, mentally, and physically abusive to me, but our daughters (ages 6, 3, and 2) don't know all of that.  The thing that helped me explain this to our 6-year-old was calling her teacher and the school guidance counselor before telling her.  They've been extremely helpful to her and me.  It give her someone else to go talk to if she gets sad in school, and it helps, I think, to have someone unbiased that is just giving her straight answers to her questions.  They don't have to worry about separating the emotion from the answer.

Heather 

Be truthful and honest with your children... and never keep children away from the other parent because of "hurt feelings" have a 3, 5 and 6 year old and it's hard when they don't see each other!!!

Be truthful and honest with your children... and never keep children away from the other parent because of "hurt feelings" have a 3, 5 and 6 year old and it's hard when they don't see each other!!!

Be truthful and honest with your children... and never keep children away from the other parent because of "hurt feelings" have a 3, 5 and 6 year old and it's hard when they don't see each other!!!

 Mark and Becky  

Do not use everyone you know as a therapist – it will only alienate you from some of your friends. There are wonderful support groups and trained professionals that can help you at this time. 

Use this time to a chance to redefine yourself and question what is important to you and what you really want out of life? 

Find old hobbies that give you pleasure and use them to remind yourself who you were. 

Your feelings at this time are normal so do not punish yourself for being upset.  

There is often someone that takes it upon him or her to 'emotionally rescue' you during divorce. Don't let this rescuer give you a false sense of emotional recovery; they are just an adjunct to it.   

Do not dwell on feelings of feelings of revenge; if it didn't work out with your Ex there are many others that want you! 

Avoid rushing into another relationship. Entering a relationship to make life easier, or because you need a physical relationship in your life, will fail. These reasons make for brief relationships and contribute to the 80 percent divorce rate for second-time marriages.   
Acknowledge the loss.

After the initial shock it's tempting to go into denial either by refusing to face the reality of what has happened or by burying our feelings of hurt, anger and grief. So the first step in recovery is to face the reality of the situation and be truly honest with how we feel.   

Realize that this, too, will pass.

With divorce it is easy to feel that life is over and that we will never love again. However, if we work through the recovery process, the pain will pass and we can come out much healthier and more mature persons. 

Don't waste your pain, invest it.

The greatest way we can invest our pain is to use it to motivate us to grow and become better persons, and then support others who are going through divorce and help them to see that they, too, can survive and become happier, healthier persons   

Give yourself time to heal. A broken arm takes six weeks to heal. Broken hearts take much longer – but not forever. As we work through the recovery steps, we will heal. For some it may take up to a year or more. But, if we still haven't resolved our pain after say two years, chances are we haven't faced or dealt with our feelings and that is keeping us stuck. If this is your case, I suggest getting professional counsel to help you work through your loss and the recovery process. 

Let go of the past. I've worked with people who were divorced as long as twenty years ago and were still hanging onto the fantasy that their ex-spouse would return – even though they had remarried. We need to work through our pain, and then let go of it. It helps to hand our failures over to God, ask for his forgiveness for our part in the marriage breakup, receive it by faith and then forgive ourselves. Then leave it with God and get on with life.   

Guard against a rebound. Rushing into another romantic relationship too soon can cause us to avoid facing the pain of our marriage breakup and then, if we marry before resolving our past, we are destined to repeat it.  

Tell him together. Ideally, parents should break the news about the divorce in tandem. Telling your child together avoids confusion — he'll hear only one version of the story — and conveys that it was a mutual decision, so he won't blame one parent for the split. According to Paul Coleman, psychologist and author of How to Say it to Your Kids, there's a more important reason as well: It helps preserve your child's sense of trust in both his parents. If it's not possible or practical to discuss the split as a pair, then the adult who has taken the primary parenting role — the one who makes the child feel safest — should handle this task.  

Choose your timing. There are two things to consider when telling your child about an impending divorce. First, make sure the decision is final; he'll be in agony if you try to "prepare him" for a mere possibility by saying, "We're thinking about getting a divorce." Second, when you do decide to tell him, remember that the news will be a big shock, even if you and your spouse have been fighting for months. Your child needs time to let it sink in, and though there's never a "good" time, there are bad times: school days, right before you head off to work or he goes to soccer practice, or right before bed. "When he's suddenly feeling very unsafe and very alone, he'll need you to be there for him," says Wolf. Choose a moment when you'll be with him afterward. 

Keep it simple. Don't assume your grade-schooler knows exactly what "divorced" means. A 6-year-old may need a definition that's short and straightforward: "Divorced means Mom and Dad won't live together anymore. But we'll always be your parents, and we'll always love you." 

What Parents and Teens Can Do to Make Divorce Easier  

Keep the Peace:  Dealing with divorce is easiest for teens when their parents get along. Teens find it especially hard when their parents fight and argue or act with bitterness toward each other. Teens can't do much to influence how their parents behave during a divorce, but they can ask parents to do their best to call a truce to any bickering or unkind things they might be saying about each other. No matter what problems the couple may have faced, as parents they need to handle visiting arrangements peacefully to minimize the stress a teen may feel. 

Be Fair: Most teens say it's important that parents don't try to get them to "take sides." They need to feel free to relate to one parent without the other parent acting jealous, hurt, or mad. It's unfair for a teen to feel that relating to one parent is being disloyal to the other, or to feel that the burden of one parent's happiness is on the teen's shoulders. When parents find it hard to let go of bitterness or anger or if they are depressed over changes brought about by divorce, they can find help from a therapist who specializes in working with people who are dealing with divorce. This can help parents to get past the pain divorce may have created; to find personal happiness, and to lift a burden their teen may be carrying.   

Keep in Touch: Going back and forth between two homes can be tough, especially if parents live far apart. Many teens use the phone, email, or letters to keep in touch with a parent they see less often because of distance. Even a quick message just to say, "I'm thinking of you" helps ease the feelings of missing each other. More detailed communications can keep both teen and parent up to date on everyday activities and ideas.  

Work It Out: Teens may want both parents to come to their special events, like games, meets, plays, or recitals. But one parent may find it difficult to attend if the other is present. It helps if parents can figure out a way to make this work, especially because a teen may need to feel the support and presence of both parents even more during divorce. A teen might come up with an idea for a compromise or solution to this problem and suggest it to both parents.   

Talk About the Future: Teens may worry that their own plans for the future could be affected by the divorce. Some are concerned that the costs of divorce (like legal fees and expenses of two households) might mean there will be less money for college or other things the teen may need. Talking with parents can ease concerns - there are solutions for most problems like these and people who can help teens and parents find those solutions.   

Live Your Life: Sometimes during a divorce, parents may be so caught up in their own changes that teens can feel their lives are on hold. But a teen's life goes on. Teens still need their parents' attention and help as they continue to plan for the future. It's important for teens to stay focused on their own dreams, future plans, and goals, and to talk about them with parents. 

Stay Involved and Active: When things are changing at home, it's especially important for teens to stay involved in their usual activities at school and with friends. Keeping some things the same can help you feel that part of your life is still the same. Because teens are often involved with lots of activities outside the family, they may adjust to divorce more easily than younger children do. Regular exercise is an important stress buster; too, so make sure you get some.
   

 

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